The products are insignificant, but the ads are some of the most compelling and titilating content on TV. Even though many of these “impulse buy” products are targeted to women, I’m pretty sure these “nymphomercials” are aimed squarely at us. Think about it: They air in the middle of the night, they last about two minutes and they don’t show up as suspicious charges on your cable bill. So, if you find yourself in a real pinch (no internet, DVDs, phone service, imagination or even a Victoria’s Secret catalogue) and need a little “help,” here are some go-to goodies that are on good ‘ol basic TV.

1. Kush Support: Breast in Show

A pretty woman with huge boobs in frilly lingerie is tossing and turning in her bed, unable to sleep. She reaches into a little satin bag that she keeps conveniently by her pillow, and pulls out a phallic looking plastic rod. Then she slides the rod slowly between her luscious lady lumps, letting out a sigh of relief.

But wait…there’s more: They even call this thing “your nighttime companion.”

2. Wearable Towel: Breast way to Look Hot and Stupid Simultaneously

We can all relate with the difficulty of fastening a regular towel around a set of 34 DDs. This nymphomercial stars with a woman’s towel falling off, and only gets better from there. Part shower scene, part pool party, and part toga party, I may need to buy one of these to clean myself up.

But wait…there’s more: Implied threesome when the dude gets in the hot tub with two ladies. Very Roman.

3. Sticky Nips: Breast Choking Hazard

A woman with hard nipples gets noticed, and based on the “actresses,” this infomercial looks like it was shot inside of a walk-in freezer, in Fargo, in February. Turns out that Sticky Nipples are like little boob yarmulkes for women who have a hard time getting…uh…hard.

But wait…there’s more: Like beer, they come in light, medium, tan and deep. Also like beer, if you ingest too many of them you’ll probably get sick.

4. Booty Pop: Breast ASSests

Not a breast man? No problem. Watch woman shake their asses for two minutes straight, without having to hear the annoying hip-hop song that usually plays along. Booty Pop does for the ass what Sticky Nips (see above) did for tits. Women checking out their own asses (and each other’s) in front of a mirror is hot no matter how you slice it.

5. Cami Secret: Breast Peek-A-Boo

Although I am a firm believer that hiding God-given cleavage is a crime that should be punishable by lifetime confiscation of buttons, this nymphomercial gets away with it by playing off of the naughty girl vs. nice girl routine. Never mind the obvious workplace sexual harassment taking place; this “cleavage control” bra attachment shows that you can go from daddy’s good little girl to the office tease in under three seconds.

6. ???: Breast Reason to Learn Japanese

I have no idea what is actually being said in this international nymphomercial, but who cares? Watch Asian woman practice riding reverse cowgirl in just a sports bra: Olympic event 2016? Not sure what it is, what it costs, or why anybody would want to be raped by a piece of furniture, but I knows whats I likes.

But wait…there’s more: The guy in this ad is a little too happy, and may have voided the warranty at exactly :53 seconds in.

7. Secret Keeper: Breast Hiding Place

Bras are meant for holding two things; both of them are called boobs. But now with this “titty wallet,” women can always have a place to store their cash and hide their cocaine. As much as we love watching ladies remove things from their bras (you can see it 20 times in this spot), those “things” usually have nipples attached to them. The Secret Keeper is “for the woman on the go”… or the woman who just likes feeling herself up every time she needs a mint. I’ve only seen a woman reach into her bra for money twice in my life. One of them wore clear heels for a living, and the other one was saving up to buy clear heels.

But wait…there’s more: I’m still not sold on this idea, but on the bright side I think I’ve discovered a new way to cook a Hot Pocket.

via: TheSmokingJacket

Compilation of Reporters Getting Owned – Watch more Funny Videos

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,

Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours Sincerely,
Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead.
I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards,
David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,

Thank you for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours Sincerely,
Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.

Regards,
David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,

You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?

Yours Sincerely,
Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Yes please.

Regards,
David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached <spider.gif>

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane,

Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards,
David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,

Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th.
David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95.
Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours Sincerely,
Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thank you for contacting me.
I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.

Regards,
David.

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards,
David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,

As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding.
We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours Sincerely,

Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definitely make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards,
David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Attached <spider2.gif>